PWNED: A Gamers Novel by Vancil Matt

Author:Vancil, Matt [Vancil, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Quiet Thunder Productions / Fan Supported Network
Published: 2015-01-28T05:00:00+00:00

Noob hit 40 baking wolf pot pies in the kitchen at Drunkfucker’s. The inn had gotten its nickname for the glitch that made its NPC proprietor wobble and fall down at random intervals. Boy Howdy had fixed the glitch in a patch, but the player outcry was so great that they’d reinserted it, and even timed it with appropriate bursts of dialogue.

Yanker had sent Noob to the kitchen when she found out he’d been neglecting his Cookery skill. He would have kept doing so (“I don’t see how knowing how to poach a salmon will make me a better backstabber,” he’d protested), but Yanker pointed out that he’d ignored his non-combat skills for so long that even basic recipes awarded max XP. So the guild had dumped all of their collective saved meat onto him (“Do you want more of my meat?” Mansex had asked about seventy times) and sent him into the kitchen.

After an hour of cooking, Noob backed out of the kitchen and dropped several thousand XP worth of dishes on the guild’s table. “Grub’s up. Come taste the fruits of my labor, none of which involve actual fruit.”

No one responded. They were stomping and clapping with a hundred other patrons crowded around the fireside table. Noob slipped between toons and spotted Mansex dancing atop it in her skivvies.

“Oh, hey,” said Yanker, waving a frothing beer stein. “Didn’t see you come in.”

Noob folded his arms and sniffed. “I’m not gonna pretend I’m not a little bit offended.”

“Gods damn it!” the innkeeper blurted as he fell over onto a coat rack.

“Oh, come off it. We got bored waiting, so Mansex put on a show. Bandy dared her to.”

“I did no such thing,” Bandaid sniffed. “I may have insinuated she was afraid to display her wares in public, but I never dared her.”

A dwarf tucked a gold goblet in the band of Mansex’s panties. She polished his bald head with a kiss.

“I finished off the wolf flanks and basilisk cutlets. Can we go back to adventuring now?”

“Depends,” replied Yanker. “What level are you?”

Noob pointed at the 40 above his head.

“And what level do you need to be to enter the Labyrinth of Lost Souls?”

“41,” said Bandaid, munching. “Mmm. Good braised unicorn.” A +20 Wisdom buff popped up over her head. “Effective, too.”

“Forty-one,” echoed Yanker. “Which means back to the kitchens, cook-boy.”

“Can I at least take off the chef’s hat?”

“The one that gives you a 10% XP bonus? That would be a no.”

The innkeeper hit the floor. “Blasted pygmies!”

Noob sighed. Then he leveled in a flash of light.

“Well,” said Yanker. “That was quick.”

“My naga noodle soup must be done.”

Bandaid wrinkled her nose. “I never cared for that dish. Too snakey.”

Yanker nodded. “Let’s get to it, then. Truth, collect Mansex. And Noob, ditch that stupid hat.”

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